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Monday, February 20, 2012

Your Guide to Making New Friends as a Couple.

Two major things I’m trying to accomplish in the next couple of months:

a.) I’m aware that I will most likely never have a Alessandra Ambrosio body, although I plan to lie to my grandchildren about that (among other things). I just want my rolls to recess, just slightly. Is that so much to ask? If, by some miracle, I did work out to the point of blowing people’s minds on our cruise, you better believe I’d reactive Facebook, join Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and post bikini pictures all over the place. Have no fear-trying to work out in the midst of Girl Scout Cookie season is pointless when I find Peanut Butter Patty crumbs in my shirt and my undergarments fit me like a sausage casing.

I can dream.

And why am I eating leftover Valentine’s truffles as I type this? I’m appalled with my behavior sometimes.

b.) Making couple friends, preferably childless so they can hang out with us!! We adore our friends and their sweet kids, but Brian and I usually work later than our friends with families kids’ bath time, so that doesn’t always work out. I am trying to divert my destiny of eternal ESPN highlights on the couch every single evening I come home, which is especially depressing during basketball season. I married a guy who played college basketball; I celebrated every week of the NBA lockout in reverent awe, or sometimes with a fountain Vanilla Coke. Go figure.

Anyway, making new friends as a couple is a subject we must address with some open-mindedness, like dating. Remember how tricky first dates were? The awkward dates/hanging out, forced conversation, same two or three locations over and over. Making friends as a couple is the same thing again, sans the romantic involvement and free food. And, trickier—now there are TWO people to impress!

On a double with Jackie and Jade! Jackie and Jade = great friends.

The “Making New Couple Friends” First Date Guide.

1. The initial meeting. Maybe it was a set up. “Oh, have you guys met the other young couple in our ward?” “Have you met my sister and her husband?” Maybe fate just brought you together. Either way, you have to feel out this couple quickly before you get yourself in a tight spot and in a position unable to reject a dinner invitation. Have they been out of school long? Do they have real jobs? Do you think eating at their place would be a sanitary possibility, or are they cat people? Obviously, a quick assessment is crucial to sidestep the accidental food poisoning landmine and suggest eating out.

2. Setting up the date. After you have established couple friend potential, you play a little game of “scheduling.” Kind of like duck, duck, goose. Just keep throwing out days and times until someone says yes. At the beginning of this game, it’s important to keep in mind: Do you want to spend your one night off a week with these people? Are they a weeknight type of date couple (equivalent of a lunch date)? Is this worthy of a weekend (dinner date)? You can always just grab ice cream in case the couple turns out to be weird, or on their phones the whole time. In this event, don’t be friends with them, unless being tagged in 18 Facebook pictures per hang out is beneficial to your cyber social status.

3. The date.
Like any date, you and your spouse spend a little extra time getting ready. You may take the time to wash your hair, put on some new makeup, dig out something unseen from the wardrobe, clean up the house a little (in case things go really well, and you end up coming back to your place…for games). As you primp, discuss only optimistic predictions of the night. Express your excitement to make new friends. Otherwise, your husband will opt to stay at home to watch ESPN. Avoid excessive PDA on the date. If you are eating on the date, be sure to seat the men facing away from any TVs so as to avoid MMS (mute man syndrome). Men refuse to talk if there is a game on, which leaves the two women engaged in a semi-boring conversation about Pinterest.

4. The Call Back.
Review the outing with your spouse. Did you have fun? Did I have fun? Did they both have fun? Were you fake laughing or was that for real? Do you think they’d want to hang out with us again? Is this worth our time investment, or will they be moving soon? Are kids in their future (non-reproducing couples can be a thorn in the sides of those with kids. No one to take to park days, no one to bring to their children’s birthday parties, etc)? Based on this evaluation, you may want to call to reschedule another hangout and solidify a forming friendship.

Part II may be “How to make new girlfriends without coming across as a lesbian.”


michael. mindy. dane. said...

ashton. oh my gosh you are my favorite! i love this. we have been married 5 years, and we still suck at the couple thing. it is always my friend and her husband or his friend and the wife. never just mutual friends. then it's like, are the kids annoying? do the kids get along? do they have a million kids? do they not have kids? do they like weird things? oh gosh. it is impossible is wear. actually, last summer we FINALLY found perfect couple friends. they live 2 houses away and are awesome. but when they're out of town? heaven help us. we're losers.

Camille said...

Oh this is hilarious, and SO so so true. Too bad you guys don't live here and then we could be couple friends. I think it would be a good match.

RACHAEL said...

you are so funny. i love it. we struggly, too (alabama issues). usually dan is BEST friends with the guy because everyone loves him and i'm awkwardly tagging along with the wife who i don't really get along with. figures... :)

jessworthen said...

We should be friends!!!!

Jessy Carlisle said...

Ashton, I don't know if you have considered this, but you could move back to New Mexico. My husband is OBSESSED with sports, and you and I are already BFF. I can't promise your salon career would flourish here, but you can live with me and Dyls. We have no "bath time" and we have been on the hunt for BFF couple friends for the past 2 years. Please move here.

the hawker's said...

BEST POST EVER!!!! and this is so hilarious and SOOO TRUE!!! this is my life to a tee right now! i think i just need to find some wonderful friends (like yourselves) and trick you into moving to idaho so i don't have to bother with this kind of a dilemma again. or maybe we'll come to vegas. whatev.

ashley mikell said...

i just remembered why you are my favorite. seriously this was awesome. i wish you wouldn't have left provo/orem.
i cannot wait to see you in a few weeks!!!

joeley hope said...

LOL why don't y'all live in pasadena so we can be couple friend?! we would have a BLAST! one day. love you. xoxo

joeley hope said...

and bring on part two! lol

Megan said...

You are the best and I love that you posted this! Brandon and I have been married for 6.5 years and are still facing this dilema! Trust me, after kids it only gets worse..are their kids clean, are they nice, are they going to body slam your sweet little daughter to the ground, does everyone know that it's not your kids running through the restaraunt, just your "dates'" kids?! Oh, it's so much fun!!

Natalie said...

You are something else. I hope you are not replacing me, posts like this one leave me worrying!!! I gotta get married ASAP so we can be couple friends. I pray you like the fool

Jayci said...

This has been on my mind A LOT lately, as we have relocated recently and are still branching out to find our new 'couple friends.' It's rough!!! Your comparisons were spot on! And you really need to look into writing for a magazine/newspaper. You are way too fun!

Marcella said...

hahahah! love it. so true so true.

Chantel + Jordan said...

just move to SL because we're going through the same thing!

Glenna Bartlett said...

YES! Thank you for putting so perfectly the dilemma my husband and I have been facing for the last 2 years!! I hate dating couple friends but since moving to CA we desperately want new fun friends! Our games are getting dusty and lonely.
We have a couple in our ward that wants to be friends and it's just...not in the stars? They're great people, it's just not mean to be, ya know? But bless them, they will always ALWAYS try "setting the date." Which is then followed by husband and myself exchanging awkward glances as we try to think of every excuse known to man to get out of it!

Maybe they should invent a dating site for married couple friends? LOL. Oh help me.