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Saturday, July 31, 2010

How to Be Poor: Adjusting to Your New Economic Status as a Newlywed

Most newlyweds are in the same boat, which makes ballin on a budget a little easier. Here are a few money saving suggestions I’ve thought of, but haven’t as of yet applied all of them to my life. Theoretically, they’re brilliant (?), and I’m still contemplating taking my own advice. If you have any, feel free to share. Money-saving suggestions(and if you find any of these shady, it’s because you’re not desperate enough to think of them):

1. Samples, samples, samples. Check out and sign up for all of their freebies. also sends out free samples. I’m completely stocked on feminine hygienic items for a while.

2. Sample, sample, sample. Ok, this I admit to doing. Any major department store hands oodles of make-up samples, so cash in. If you’re like me and have a whole pharmacy of creams and pills stocked in your bathroom in anticipation of just ONE of your myriad of skin issues to manifest its disgusting self, you can’t wear just any makeup, and the kind you can is priceyyy. So, just walk in and get some fo’ FREE. Here, I’ll walk you through the dialogue: “Hi, my friend told me about (brand)’s (line). Could I try it? What color do you think I wear?” Cha-ching. Free samples last for a whole week. Just make sure to rotate malls. Dishonest? Ehh. I dismiss any guilty thoughts fairly effortlessly. I’ve tried so many that I know what I love, and I’m sure I’ll get sucked in when I do have money to spend.

3. Sample! SAMPLE! SAMPLE! Costco. Do I really need to explain? Go on a lunch date and peruse the isles until you are full. FREE.

4. Sample, sa…just kidding. Keep your cup! Enjoy your drink from lunch; McDonalds, if you’re dollar-menu broke, or Subway, if you’re the discerning underprivileged. Then, keep your cup handy to refresh your beverage throughout the day. It’s also probably a good idea to avoid returning for a couple months, just in case any disgruntled minimum wagers discover your genius plan. If they do, develop an accent, use large words, and deny everything.

5. Room service! Well, not quite, but this is just as close as you can get without getting a room. Do a little research and find out which hotels in your area offer a complimentary continental breakfast. Sleep in at home, and then arrive at the hotel in your pajamas (and possibly retainers and glasses for some extra pizzazz). Stroll in and enjoy! I suspect the key to this is confidence. Just make sure you arrive by about 9…after your efforts, you’ll want a decent selection. Plus, if you don’t get there in time to make your own waffle before the omnipresent messy 8-year-old gets into the batter, it’s not even worth going.

5. Supply and demand. Keep your purse fully stocked with “girly things,” like Advil, tampons, whatever. Next time there is a woman in need, let the bartering begin. You could sell tampons to a desperate woman for at least a dollar each, right? Maybe more. There’s money to be made out there, ladies. The black market of feminine hygiene knows no limits.

Ok, I guess we're not THAT poor. We're THRILLED that Brian has a good job right now. Prior to getting "real" jobs, though, sudden panic-induced ideas like these pop into your head around 2:30 AM...which is about the same time you're staring at the back of your (super cute) husband's head like it's an 8 Ball, wondering if you'll ever land a job and comparing estimated benefits packages that might exist at Coldstone and Burger King.

You don't do that? Oh.


Janae and Bil Bil said...

I pretty much laughed the entire time I read your post!! I can't wait to head stock up on free make-up!! Brilliant! Some day we will be rich and can go back to Hawaii together and shop all of the time!

Logan said...

Brilliant! Absolutely brilliant. I loved this post!

Kelsey M. said...

I'm Logan's little sister...she showed me this link and I LOVE this post. I was cracking up. And as a very poor newly wed, these ideas are absolutely perfect. seriously going to do the make up sample thing. Mac is my fave and when I tell my husband I need $27 face powder he just doesn't understand. Haha. Thanks for this!

Chelsea Futrell said...

Ashton! This is so funny!
i love reading your blog! I have one now finally so add me to your list...
love ya and hope you are doing well! :-)

Marcella said...

You are to funny!!! I loved this! Comparing benefits between Burger King and Cold Stone!!! So great! You are the best. We need to hang out soon.

Amy Vanus said...

ashton you are so funny! you should really write articles for cosmo or something!! i enjoy reading your posts very much! miss you!

Natalie said...

Ashton. I thought your post couldn't get any better and then you had to go and compare Brians head to an 8 ball! I loved it.

belle said...

ok, you have to teach me your continental breakfast skills, whenever I do it, I get kicked out!