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Monday, February 22, 2010

The Predictable Patrons of the Ladies Dressing Room.

Although I’ve never worked in retail, I’ve noticed a growing number of the women’s dressing room population falling into one of the below categories:

The Compliment Fisher. It may be safe to say she frequents public dressing room areas when in dire need of a confidence boost. By the dressing room AREA, I mean just that. She’s not confined to the tiny, enclosed personal room. No, she walks down the open area toward the full size mirror at the end, innocently complaining to unassuming strangers. “That dress looks cute on you,” they say. But that’s not enough for the Compliment Fisher. Perhaps she wants to hear that her hair looks smooth and healthy, her skin looks glowing and radiant, her eyes are an incredible color that others only dream of having. This feat is difficult to accomplish considering she’s merely trying on a sale rack shirt, but she’ll stand scowling in the large mirror for full minutes at a time until her subtle eye contact with strangers entices them to praise her.

The “I’m Fat” Girl. Similar to the Compliment Fisher in that she voices her insecurities, but avoids all flaws other than her weight. Because really, no one can even see beyond her fat rolls to notice her too-pale skin. The “I’m Fat” Girl has countless areas on her 92 lb body she really wishes would stop bulging. Her stomach, her cheeks, her arms…sometimes her knees look too big in dresses. She’s tried every diet, she claims, but nothing has helped slim down her thighs. “It’s a shame to have such awful genetics,” she whimpers as she slinks out of the dressing room in jeans I may have only been able to fit in when I was 13.

The Mother/Daughter Duo. Oh yes, a classic. This loving pair’s dressing room visit involves both parties aggressively persuading the other to accept her savvy fashion sense. The daughter never “knows what looks best”, and the mother “just never understands her, like, ever.” Both tend to leave the fitting room empty-handed and exasperated (as is the rest of the dressing room community).

The (ahem) Confused Woman, aka The “Larger” Woman Who Thinks She’s Thin. The easiest fitting room specimen to identify. This particular spandex-suffocated dressing room inhabitant promenades into the room with an armful of clothes that point to her being culprit of robbing her twelve-year-old daughter’s Miley Cyrus wardrobe. The fitting room attendant mentions inconspicuously that she’d be glad to help the thief-in-question find other sizes if needed. Yet, somehow, the hefty woman manages to smash her legs through unyielding denim, and then tucks the rest of herself in enough to button up the top. She can’t exhale without the button threatening to rip off and shatter the mirror in front of her, but that’s manageable. Besides, the little hearts on the back pockets of Juicy Couture’s new jeans look great. No one would ever know she’s 53.

The Agreeable Friend. A common companion in the dressing room. She raves about every shirt, every pair of pants, EVERY frock her friend tries on. Like a loyal dog, she waits in the dressing room for hours to babble on and on, rattling off lists of compliments. “Oh, your eyes look great!” “What a cute skirt! The stretched out look is really in right now.” “No, it’s okay, those jeans don’t even need to button! You look amazing!” Supportive friend or enemy with a dark agenda? An unsolved mystery of the dressing room.


jennyandskyler said...

Hey Ashton! I realized I didn't have your blog, but found it when I was looking at Stuart and Morgans. You are hilarious and a wonderful writer! I hope you and Brian are doing well and surviving Utah! Let us know when you come down next so we can catch up!

Natalie said...

I am going to turn this in to a magazine for you. You have such a way with words, I was invisioning all this in my head just like reality! The best line is the miley cirus thief. Oh and I think we have had some room mates with a dark hidden agenda... like the one who used to put bright orange and green eye shadow on us before we went to church.

Michael, Xela, and Arian said...

Ashton, you seriously crack me up! I told my husband the other day that it's no fair that you get to be gorgeous, smart AND funny!
Your blog always makes me smile!

Megan said...

You're brilliant! keep writting, I love reading it! ANd you've hit this post right on the head, it's hillarious! And thanks so much for the deco tip, anthro rocks!

David & Jessica said...

I don't think you are creepy! I do the same thing ;)! Hope you had fun on your vacation!