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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Trophy Wife

A compilation of rules as observed by Ashton during her career in the Las Vegas hospitality industry.

“She don’t believe in shooting stars
But she believes in shoes and cars…”

Avoid sitting too close to your children in public as not to reveal your age. If you must speak to them directly, let the words fly off of your lips with the same sharpness as the needle that has just injected them. Think that sounds harsh? We’re trophy wives, not soccer moms.

Never show signs of emotion, specifically on your face. Trophy wives everywhere look to Victoria Beckham for inspiration. Not only will this poker face keep you mysterious, it will also keep you from getting wrinkles (Botox will help you better achieve this impassiveness).

Although some may interpret this unexpressive attitude as heartlessness, it’s better than being considered sweet. Trophy wives should never like anything sweet, unless it’s Splenda-based. Anything made without this sugar substitute will later be carved off by a surgeon.

In the rare and unfortunate event that this should happen, clothe yourself as little as possible to distract eyes from any healing scars. Make sure that any couture that is absolutely necessary to cover up has at least one giant designer logo, preferably in rhinestones. This is a typical trophy wife defensive maneuver used to blind those that seek proof of plasticity.

[Eyerolling is unprofessional. Good thing I wear sunglasses everyday, just in case I slip.]


Jayci said...

nice notes. :P hah! you should do some stand up routines!!

the hawker's said...

another great post by ashton! haha i love your blog! you write really well.

ashley mikell said...

awesome...too bad i didn't even last 6 months being a trophy wife. ha ha can't wait to be married friends in p-town

Morgan said...

L.O.V.E. Sneak some photos on your cell phones of said trophy wives...

leila said...

I'd laugh but my stomach would jiggle and that would definitely give away the fact that I'm not trophy wife material. Cute post! Leila

leila said...

ps- we stole you "Scurr-ed" line for the invites!! Hope you think they are as clever as we did!! Leila

The Facers said...

Love that post...and it reminds of that book you got last night from Wendy (which was so fun last night)! I need to read the part about the cheese grater...stat!