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Wednesday, July 8, 2009

A Complete Idiot's Guide to Being a Trophy Wife

A compilation of rules as observed by Ashton during her career in the Las Vegas hospitality industry.

“She don’t believe in shooting stars
But she believes in shoes and cars…”

Avoid sitting too close to your children in public as not to reveal your age. If you must speak to them directly, let the words fly off of your lips with the same sharpness as the needle that has just injected them. Think that sounds harsh? We’re trophy wives, not soccer moms.

Never show signs of emotion, specifically on your face. Trophy wives everywhere look to Victoria Beckham for inspiration. Not only will this poker face keep you mysterious, it will also keep you from getting wrinkles (Botox will help you better achieve this impassiveness).

Although some may interpret this unexpressive attitude as heartlessness, it’s better than being considered sweet. Trophy wives should never like anything sweet, unless it’s Splenda-based. Anything made without this sugar substitute will later be carved off by a surgeon.

In the rare and unfortunate event that this should happen, clothe yourself as little as possible to distract eyes from any healing scars. Make sure that any couture that is absolutely necessary to cover up has at least one giant designer logo, preferably in rhinestones. This is a typical trophy wife defensive maneuver used to blind those that seek proof of plasticity.

[Eyerolling is unprofessional. Good thing I wear sunglasses everyday, just in case I slip.]

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Happy Fourth!

This Fourth of July, I tried to keep each food item on my paper plate safe from the inevitable domination of the salsa. I don’t appreciate my favorite homemade salsa’s disregard for personal space with other food on my plate.

As I barbecued with my family and quickly downed my mildly spicy watermelon before I went to work, I realized how lucky I am. No, blessed. I am truly overwhelmed with gratitude at this time of the year . I was surrounded by family, friends, and had time to relax and contemplate how unbelievably blessed I’ve been.

Some things I’m grateful for this year:

1.Getting engaged!
2. Graduating.
3. Colby’s mission. And Brian’s brother’s mission, too. The boys’ sacrificing their time inspires and motivates me everyday.
4.…and they will be back next Fourth!
5. Brian and I both have good jobs.
6. Las Vegas! And all that it entails (weather, city, family, food, friends, lights).
7. The beach. LOVE IT. I’ll have been able to have gone 3 times by the end of the summer!
8. Good books.
9. My family. Everyone loves their family, but mine seriously leaves me in awe. This includes even my grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. I have such great role models.
10. Direction in life. My life has taken a sharp turn in a completely unexpected direction, but I couldn't be happier. Funny how everything falls into place.